


Letting Go

by WondersoftheMultiverse



Series: All you ever see, you ever hear, will all come crashing through [2]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Continuation, Coping Mechanisms, F/F, Grief, Happy Ending, Part 2, revolution of the daleks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28580157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WondersoftheMultiverse/pseuds/WondersoftheMultiverse
Summary: [Sequel / Continuation of Coping Mechanisms]Tears had streamed down your features as you hugged them all close, your will dissolving completely as you committed yourself to the change that you needed to undergo.You had purchased tickets the following day, a one way flight to Nepal so that you could trek to the base camp of Mount Everest, your own solo adventure that would help heal the chasm that had formed in your chest. Your plans had ended there, with an open end to fulfil the unpredictable needs that you would inevitably encounter. But no matter how hard you worked to distract yourself, the voice in your head wandered in your shadow, whispering rogue questions in your ear that threatened to break the ground beneath you and send you spiralling into a pit of utter despair.Had the Doctor ever been to Everest? Did she really die on Gallifrey? Was she really gone?But the universe had its own cruel twist in store, and before you could find the answers to the questions you sought, before the healing of your heart could undergo, disaster and fear reared its old ugly head.Daleks.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Reader, Thirteenth Doctor/Reader
Series: All you ever see, you ever hear, will all come crashing through [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2094123
Comments: 6
Kudos: 18





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> You guys asked so nicely that I figured what the hell. Truthfully, I had already started writing a continuation to Coping Mechanisms lol! Here we are! Part 2 to Coping Mechanisms which might end a little brighter than the first, be sure to read part 1 first! Also I kinda went off on this part and double its length so..... *runs away*
> 
> As always thanks for all the kind comments and messages, they really motivate me into writing and just give such a wonderful boost! Enjoy!

It had only meant to be a short getaway, a break from the menial and repetitive actions of life, your own adventure that might satisfy the numbness that had slowly wound its way around your heart like a weed. A last minute decision, fuelled by the inputs of Graham, Ryan and even Yaz during your short visit to the small corner outside Yaz’s parent’s flat; the spot which was usually occupied by the Doctor’s TARDIS.

Tears had streamed down your features as you hugged them all close, your will dissolving completely as you committed yourself to the change that you needed to undergo. The small wooden puzzle box that had been a drain on your resources, yet also a small budding hope that eased you through the ten months of hell had finally been switched off; left drained of power in the middle of your kitchen table. A remnant of a previous time, a previous life.

You had purchased tickets the following day, a one way flight to Nepal so that you could trek to the base camp of Mount Everest, your own solo adventure that would help heal the chasm that had formed in your chest. Your plans had ended there, with an open end to fulfil the unpredictable needs that you would inevitably encounter. But no matter how hard you worked to distract yourself, the voice in your head wandered in your shadow, whispering rogue questions in your ear that threatened to break the ground beneath you and send you spiralling into a pit of utter despair.

_Had the Doctor ever been to Everest?_

_Had she ever found the time to walk the same path you would?_

_Did she really die on Gallifrey? Was she really gone?_

But the universe had its own cruel twist in store, and before you could find the answers to the questions you sought, before the healing of your heart could undergo, disaster and fear reared its old ugly head.

Daleks.

You had been in the airport when you first saw the new security drones, the suitcase you trudged along behind you released from your grip as you froze in place. Its low whining seemed to reverberate around your head, flashes of your standoff in GCHQ filling your mind as its small blue glowing eyepiece turned to appraise you closely. Fear had rooted you in place, your chest constricting as you stumbled backwards and away from the monstrosity with a gasp.

Nearby a screen with the UK’s latest prime minister was turned up, the flashing lights of cameras lighting up television as a small group began to form around its base. The prime minister seemed pleased with herself as she smiled warmly at the crowd of photographers, her eyes strangely cold as she reeled off her speech.

“Which is why I am unveiling today, a very exciting new solution to an age-old problem. We will harness the technological revolution to enhance your safety. We will alleviate pressure on police and security staff, and all without draining the public purse.”

Extending her arms wide, you watched in horror as two identical Daleks rolled onto the screen beside her, the one beside you squeaking in response as its eyepiece swivelled around to glance at the screen that had captured your attention.

“As of now you will see new defence drones at work, on Britain's streets, in our institutions, at our borders and national monuments. These technological new innovations are set to make Britain more secure.”

“Fuck”

Turning your eyes widened as the Dalek beside you had disappeared, your hand tightening on the handle of your suitcase as you started to head back towards the exit of the airport, your heart racing in your chest as you blindly fumbled around in your pockets for your phone. You had switched it off the moment you entered Heathrow, your fingers trembling as you pressed down against the power button to reset it. 

_How were you going to remedy this without the Doctor?_

_There was no way you could take out so many Daleks on your own?_

_Were Graham, Ryan and Yaz already on the case?_

Too many questions swirled around in your mind as you suddenly felt the room shake, your breathing shallow and wheezing as the mass of people around you set your nerves alight. A cold sweat broke out across your forehead as you stumbled in your rush for the doors, your eyes brightening up as you spotted the calm recluse of some nearby public toilets. Changing destination you bundled yourself into the women’s, closing the stall behind you and sitting down on the toilet seat with a breathy sigh.

The tall wooden stalls seemed to close inwards as your chest tightened ever more, the cold metallic glow of a Dalek haunting your mind's eye as you struggled to get a grip of your thoughts. Wheezing, you pushed a hand up and underneath your shirt, your fingers splaying across the skin of your chest as you felt your heart thump wildly against your chest, blood rushing through your ears as the inputs around you were suddenly turned to the max.

_‘Breathe.’_

You didn’t know whether the voice had filtered through the door by a considerate stranger, or whether you had imagined the Yorkshire twang, but you were grateful nonetheless. The Doctor had always known how to calm you down from the precipice of a panic attack, and even now you could almost imagine the soft brush of her hands against your cheeks as she would help block out the world around you. Her voice light and airy as she pulled at the edges of your consciousness, stilling the torrent of thoughts that battered your defences and providing you with a moment of respite.

_‘Breathe out, and breathe in.’_

Inhaling deeply, you imagined the warmth in her eyes as she would press her fingers to your temple. The imaginary worlds and visions she would force into your mind, accompanied by the soft thumping of your heartbeat as it slowly began to mirror the repetitive thumps of her two. An anchor away from the spiralling world beyond your closed eyelids, a moment of peace in an otherwise constant world.

_‘Just breathe.’_

It was harder without her fingertips trailing your cheekbone, without the sweet smelling scent of her hair filling your senses and smothering you entirely. Instead you were left to fend for yourself, your eyes screwed tightly just as you pressed your back further against the cool porcelain toilet you had claimed. Rubbing your sternum, you tried to recall one of the worlds she had shown you before, one particular fantasy land quickly coming to mind. 

Midnight. A fantastical world filled with glistening mountains made of diamonds, a planet completely translucent and valuable beyond belief. There had been some trouble upon her first visit, you could still envision the way her nose would crumple as she seemingly recalled the memories herself. Regardless of how dark the story turned, her tone would remain light and airy, filled with countless details down to the smallest degree as she recalled the time she had almost been thrusted out of a ship and onto the deadly surface alone. 

_‘That’s it! That’s better.’_

Your eyelids fluttered open as you felt the tightness in your chest ease, your breathing even and in sync with your pulsing heart. Slowly your hand fell away from your chest to hang back down by your side, your eyes lifelessly staring up at the small A4 poster stapled to the back of the door. The small paper appeared to be an advertisement for a lounge within the airport, the image consisting of a woman with short blonde hair dancing away to herself; flares of light blocking out the remaining faces of the crowd as they emanated from the weird deco circular panels of the room.

_“Live great lives.” The Doctor uttered, her eyes shimmering with tears as a look of utter devastation remained plastered across her features. The sadness appeared to be so out of place as it burned her eyes a deep red, her skin losing its usually bright dull as her flame and passion for life and hope was extinguished before your very eyes._

You flinched at the memory, your fingers quickly brushing away the rogue tears that fell down your cheeks. You saw her everywhere you looked nowadays, every short cropped bob of blonde hair making you think of the loveable timelord. The woman of whom you had felt your heart falling for, the strange alien woman who had changed you life, the strange wonderful impossible alien woman who had died on a planet for the sake of the universe.

In your hand your phone began to vibrate out of control, your eyes widening as the screen lit up with a mass of missed calls and text messages. The majority appeared to be from Yaz, Ryan or Graham, the messages mainly consisting of pleas for you to return their calls and question marks following it up as you failed to respond. Perhaps they had seen the same drones you had met in the airport earlier, the small rag tag group you belonged to the only remaining defence for Earth in the Doctor’s absence.

With shaking hands you opened up the caller log screen to respond, your finger primed across Yaz’s name when a sharp scream rang out throughout the airport. The fear you had pushed down gushed forth once more as the single cry for help gave way to a mass of blood curdling yells and shouts, the pleas accompanied by a bone chilling gravelly command that would always haunt your nightmares.

“EXTERMINATE”

The main entrance to the toilets filled with the clattering of heels and boots as people ran into the one you occupied, the door to your stall rattling against its hinges as people began to throw their bodies against the wooden barricade in desperation. Closing your eyes you pressed your hands to your face, your mind in a state of limbo as you struggled to formulate a consistent plan that would not only protect those around you but keep you safe and far from harm's way. 

“HELP!”

“I THOUGHT THEY WERE JUST DRONES! WHY ARE THEY SHOOTING!”

“JUST HIDE IN HERE!”

“MUM!”

The cries kept coming, the sharp ringing of the Dalek’s ray’s reverberating throughout the airport as they slowly got closer to your hideaway. Your earlier pains of grief and anxiety quickly forgotten as the surge of adrenalin pumped through your veins, your heart lifting and riding the wave of adventure you had so sorely missed since the Doctor’s departure from your lives. There had to be a way out of this, to fight back against the Daleks that now threatened to invade your planet and destroy humanity. 

But you knew _nothing_. 

Without the Doctor you weren’t in front of the people who knew all the answers, and weren't part of the key players behind this second invasion. Instead you were burrowed away in the musty toilet stall in Heathrow, desperately trying to focus through the screaming cries of the Dalek’s unfortunate victims.You had no idea what had happened, why the Daleks had managed to integrate themselves into Britain's defences, who had the ability to stop and dismantle them. Instead all you had to show for yourself was the dark circles under your eyes, and hollowed cheeks from where you had desperately hidden away from the world and selfishly pushed those around you away.

You had _nothing_ , in this story you were _nothing_ but a helpless human.

Another potential victim.

Rising from the toilet seat, you pressed your fingers against the locked door of your stall, the metal cool against your fingertips as you pressed your forehead against the poster, your eyes fluttering closed as you the commotion beyond your door appeared to settle down. 

_“We’re not letting you do this.” Yaz cried as she rushed forwards past you, her hand latching onto the Doctor’s arm as she ceased her retreat._

_You watched frozen in your spot as the woman you had caught yourself falling for, relying on, walked out of your lives forever. You understood what needed to be done, the gravity of the situation in its entirety. But even then the answer the Doctor had formulated seemed careless, a complete disregard for her own life, a selfish decision made by herself without the thought of what her absence would do to those around her. Without a second thought for the chasm her disappearance would carve into your soul, cutting you right down to the bone._

_Your heart wanted to shout, to scream at the ceiling and beg her to stay. You wanted to reach out for Yaz, clutching onto the Doctor’s other arm and forcing her to reconsider. Pleading for her to figure out another way._

_But you hadn’t._

_Instead you stood there in silence, your mouth ajar and cheeks glimmering with tears as the Doctor forced Yasmin away, her eyes lingering on your own for a moment, searching for something you didn’t recognise: a reason? a sign? You never had a chance to work it out, as just as quickly as she had looked, she was leaving again. The Doctor’s back turning to you for a final time as she sulked off into the thick smoke that hung over Gallifrey._

Your teeth pressed down into your bottom lip as you forced away the memories, your heart rumbling away inside of you as you fled the suffocating guilt that kept prodding at your mind. Slowly your fingers that traced the small metal locked shifted, flicking the mechanism upwards and opening the stall door to face the growing catastrophe beyond your haphazardly built safe haven. One single question filling your head as you squared your shoulders and put your right foot forwards.

_What would the Doctor do?_

Stepping from the stall you flinched at the mass of dust and smoke that had quickly filled the air, the ceiling shaking and crumbling as more cries for help filled the room. It was almost reminiscent of the state of Gallifrey, of the strange alien building that had crumbled around you as the destroyed Cyberman carrier had exploded and dismantled itself above your heads. The imagery threatened to drag you back under the waves of hopelessness and grief, your fingers curling into fists as you fought your way through it.

Fear and panic hung like a thick curtain in the room, your eyes slowly trailing the mass of devastation as families, friends and children huddled for safety in the tight corners and open stalls of the toilets. Each and every gaze you met shimmered with anticipation and trepidation for the unknown, they were all scared beyond belief. You didn’t blame them, for when you had first met a single Dalek thrown together with spare scrap and bolts you had felt a tremor hit you to your core.

A small hand wound its way around your own hand, a young boy looking up towards you with big wide eyes as a small trail of blood trickled down from his temple. Your heart ached as you glanced around the room for his parents, the lack of concerned faces making your stomach sink with sympathy. Dropping to your knees, you hooked your arms under his armpits, lifting him from the ground and forcing him back into the stall that you had vacated.

“Stay quiet.” You commanded softly, your hands brushing across his face as you wiped away the dirt and grime that mottled his features. 

“I'm scared-” 

“I know.” You smiled back, your eyes widening as you pulled free your old ipod and headphones. 

Plugging the white earphones into his ears, you pressed play on an old playlist you had thrown together.

“Close your eyes and cover your ears.” You stated again, your hands clamping down against his shoulder as you tried in vain to reassure him from the impending doom. “Don’t make a sound.”

The small boy nodded as he clicked his feet together, his eyes fluttering closed as you pulled the door closed for a moment. Spotting another small family, you whistled for their attention, gesturing to the stall that housed the small boy. In an instance they pulled themselves together, the father gesturing for his wife and daughter to follow as they slipped into the stall that you had vacated. With tight nods they gestured their thanks, closing and locking the door.

Out in the open you caught your reflection in the mirror. The waves of change had washed over you these past few months, unrelenting and powerful as they pulled your heart and head in two different directions. You had grieved for your future, for the life you had lost and for a strange bubbly two hearted alien that had changed your world for the better. You had been knocked down from the safe heights you had been exploring, thrown to the pits and left to cope by yourself. The scars of your loss were still visible in the glow of your eyes as tears welled in the corners, the hollowness of your cheeks more noticeable under the harsh clinical lights of the bathrooms and greying rings too prominent to ignore.

“What would the Doctor do?” You asked yourself again, the whirring motors of the Daleks growing ever closer. 

Taking a step closer you pressed your hands against the porcelain sink, your head bowed as you pulled free your phone once more. The caller log screen for Yaz remained open, the green return call button taunting you as you feared to face the endless rings and eventual answerphone that you were most likely to face.

Glancing up at your reflection, you gasped as over your shoulder the Doctor had appeared, her hands clasped together as she watched you warmly. She seemed so real, so solid in her appearance that you caught yourself simply staring in awe and fascination. Had she heard your wordless cries and pleas? Had she come to save you all from the quickly approaching deaths that whirred their way throughout the airport?

Excitement filled you as you spun your head around quickly, eyes wide and arms prone ready to embrace her in the tightest hug you could manage. 

Only when you turned, she had disappeared, replaced instead with yet another small group of teenagers huddled in the bathroom, their faces filled with tears as they held onto each other for support and comfort. 

Turning back to the mirror, you caught your own stray tear rolling down your cheek, your heart lifting as the wise words of the Doctor echoed throughout your mind.

_‘What do you think?’ The Doctor’s voice carried through your head, her tone challenging and brimming with excitement._

“Right.” You mumbled as a smirk of determination filled your features, the deep rooted fear receding as you raised your chin in defiance. “Exactly.”

Hope. Because sometimes that’s all you need.

Suddenly you didn’t care for the impending doom as you rushed forwards towards the young group, your hands clutching to their coats as you yanked them towards the stalls and told them to hide. You did the same for the elderly couple pushed tightly into one corner, your tone stern and commanding as you instructed them to remain as silent as possible. For if there was one thing that the Doctor was then it was brave, even when she was a lone soldier facing an impossible enemy she had never once batted an eyelid, her selflessness destined to be her own downfall as she sought to keep everyone safe and sound. 

The Doctor meant hope, and although she wasn’t around anymore to help spread it, you would be damned if you didn’t try your best in her absence. You had been one of the lucky ones, had felt the warmth of her love, compassion and hope yourself. And quite frankly? You wouldn’t have changed a single moment. Besides, she had always touted the strength of humanity, had always prioritised helping others. For the Doctor there was always a way...

Even if it meant sacrificing yourself for the betterment of others. 

You had only just managed to bundle the last couple away when the entrance to the bathrooms began to glow red, the electronic whining of a Dalek filling the room as it slowly scooted its way through the entrance and into the small narrow corridor of the women’s bathrooms. Gasps filled the air around you before falling into silence, the doors to the stalls closing shut completely as the rustling of friends and family died down into nothingness. 

The pride and swelling confidence you had rode disintegrated in an instance, your feet shuffling backwards as the menacing eyepiece swivelled around to face you.

“EXTERMIN-”

“WAIT!” You cried, your hands raised as you stepped forwards in a convincing manner. “I CAN HELP YOU CONTACT THE FLEET!”

The small gun on the Dalek twisted, its tip pointing downwards as the ray of death failed to flare out from its tip. The red glow that emanated from beneath its body work pulsed as it seemingly paused in its action, the small wheezing filling the air once again as it slowly worked its way forwards and towards you.

“I have-” You stammered, still shocked by your lack of demise. “I have information.”

In a way you were thankful for however many extra seconds you got to be alive, your chest constricting as you pushed your hand back down into your pocket and pulled free your smartphone. Glancing to the side, you quickly risked a look at the screen, your thumb hovering over Yaz’s number as you pressed down and dialled her up. 

You didn’t know if she would answer, whether she had even survived the first wave of attacks. She was a police officer after all, always the first in line to step up to the mark when the Earth was in trouble or when the Doctor needed her. But you had to be sure, and seeing as this was your final chance to say goodbye, you had to take it. That and perhaps your pathetic stalling might glean more information for her to use in the eventuality that she was still alive and kicking, your final acts providing humanities potential saviour with the key information they needed to defy the Dalek’s brutal regime.

It was what the Doctor would do, swanning into the line of fire and taunting the enemy in whatever way she could. Rambling away as she questioned them in creative and alluring ways, prying the information she needed directly from the source.

“YOU WOULD COMMAND A DALEK?” The Dalek crooned, its body halting mere inches from your own as you peered down its eyestalk.

“Yes.” You whispered, your voice shaky as you cleared your throat.

“Yes.” You stated again, “I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. You’re a recon scout right?”

The Dalek’s gun twisted as it remained silent, its eyestalk raising slowly as your stalling seemingly brought you the extra time you hadn’t anticipated. In your hand your phone vibrated once, your eyes glancing to the side to notice that your call had gone to Yaz’s voicemail. 

“EXPLAIN.”

Snapping back to the Dalek with a fright, you felt the back of your heel knock against some fallen debris in your attempt to recreate a semblance of space between you.

“I knew one once.” You stalled, “Tried to send a message to the Dalek fleet. Never made it though because we stopped it, me, the best of humanity and….”

You paused, whether for dramatic effect or extra time you weren’t sure. 

“The Doctor.”

“THE DOCTOR IS AN ENEMY OF THE DALEKS.” 

_‘The Doctor WAS an enemy of the Daleks.’_

You flinched at the correction in your head, your eyes fluttering closed as you forced the thought away.

“Yes.” You confirmed, “And we’re going to stop you, we’re always going to stop you. So If I were you, I would pack up and leave now. Because she is coming, and she won't rest until every last Dalek is wiped from the surface of this planet.”

The Dalek reversed up slightly as you leaned forwards, your teeth flashing as you sneered at the eyestalk. You had hoped the movement was from fear and shock of your statement, that you had somehow managed to convince a perfectly created killing machine that surrender was the best course of action despite the way that they were easily dominating humanity. Of course though, that had been wishful thinking.

“ALLIES OF THE DOCTOR WILL BE EXTERMINATED.”

Glancing across to the doorway behind you, a last ditch attempt at survival flooded your veins with a surge of adrenaline and anxiety.

“I figured as much.”

Taking your moment to strike, you flipped your phone upwards as your finger dragged down from the top to activate the menu. In a flurry you turned on your flash, shining it straight down the Dalek’s eyestalk and blinding its vision. A shrill guttural cry filled the air as the small metallic gun shimmered in the light, its edge tilting as the Dalek started to shoot blindly throughout the room, its rays hitting the tiled walls and leaving dark scorch marks. Avoiding the rogue shots, you hopped onto the small ledge that jutted outwards from the Dalek’s shell, an action that came second nature to you as you recalled your previous encounter.

Sliding to the side you kept your phone pressed to the Dalek’s stalk, your elbow raised high as you desperately forced it down into the long stalk that protruded out from its metal dome. Your attempts were in vain however, as the metal proved to be stronger than you had anticipated despite its flimsy weight. Striking the stalk hard, you cursed loudly as a sharp jolt of pain rushed up your arm, your feet faltering and sliding off the Dalek’s base in an unco-ordinated mess.

As though it detected your moment of weakness, the Dalek’s lower section spun around with a sharp twist. You had barely recovered from your stumble when its plunger-like apparatus smacked your side hard, forcing you to the floor with a grunt and causing your phone to tumble from your hands.

The air was forced from your lungs as you watched your phone smash into the ground, the screen cracking as the ongoing call to Yaz was suddenly cut short. The fear that had filled you earlier returning as you flipped yourself onto your back and started to scramble away. Above you, the Dalek of whom you had attacked slowly turned around as its eyestalk pulsed with a deep red glow.

This was it, the end. The end of your own story and the start of something new, a different adventure that would see you struck from the mortal plains of Earth and thrusted into something else entirely. The cold hands of fear had wormed their way back into your heart, only this time their touch didn't burn as bitterly as you thought it might have. Instead you were comforted by the rogue wandering thoughts that had plagued you up until now, the whispers in your ears easing the pounding rush that filled your head.

_Was this what the Doctor had felt like? Was this what had happened to her?_

_At least you wouldn’t be alone anymore._

Time seemed to slow as your scrambling across the floor came to halt, your eyes locked to the small metal gun that tilted its head towards you. Closing your eyes, you forced yourself to imagine something other than your impending death, a sanctuary that was far from the cramped damp bathroom in a busy airport. 

Instead? Instead you imagined a beach, with white soft sand that extended as far as you could see. Waves lapped against your feet as you stood looking out across an ocean, the white peaks mirroring that of the towering snow capped mountains in the distance. Rays of sunlight streaked across the sky, tinting it in a spectrum of red as it dipped beyond the horizon. It was a beautiful and peaceful sight, a world where your only worries for the day would be about how you would best spend your afternoons relaxing. 

A phantom smile filled your features as you could almost feel fresh sea air brush against your skin, soft fingertips brushing against the palm of your hand as they wormed their way into the spaces between your fingers; a hand slotting perfectly between your own. Your hair would whip across your face as you turned your head to the side, the dying glow of the sun flaring in your periphery vision as you imagined her standing beside you. 

_“Doctor.”_

“EXTERMIN-”

“EXTERMINATE THE IMPURITIES”

A loud crash and explosion of heat brushed across your skin, your back forced away and into the ground as your head struck the tiled floor with a hard and sickening crack. Gasping, your eyes slowly fluttered open, the room around you glowing a deep yellow as charred embers floated down around you. Thick black smoke filled your lungs causing you to cough and splutter from your position on the ground, every muscle in your body screaming in protest as you tried to comprehend the fate you had been dealt. Rolling your head languidly to the side, you took in the charred and broken remains of the Dalek drone, its shell blown open and revealing a scorched squid looking creature inside. 

Groaning you pressed your hand to the back of your head, hot sticky blood coated your fingers as you pulled them close to your eyes, your vision blurred and skewed as you squinted through the mass of dust, smoke and smoldering fire around you. Against the protesting aches of your body, your world swam as you gradually pulled yourself upwards from the sprawled position you had taken up across the floor. 

“What…” You grumbled, your ears still ringing from the proximity of the explosion. 

Reaching a hand backwards, you moved to push yourself upwards and to your shaky feet. Only instead of touching the cool dirt ridden tiles of the bathroom, you instead brushed against the shell of cold domed metal. Frowning, you twisted in your position on the floor, your heart plummeting and mouth falling ajar as you spotted yet another Dalek. 

Whatever hope had blossomed inside of you from the destruction of the first Dalek had disappeared completely, your confusion clear for all to see as you squinted closely at the machine before you. This Dalek appeared to be different to the last, its outside shell coloured a deep bronze as opposed to the black and metallic silver paint that had coated its alternatives shell. Another distance came from the soft glow of light that emanated from the creature, it’s eyestalk flared and wider than that of the other as a blue light spilled from the end. Its height stood slightly taller than the last, with its base wider and whirring softer than its weaker counterpart.

Pulling your hand away from the shell of the Dalek quickly, you winced as you noted that the metal seemed to glow with the ghostly remnant of your handprint before disappearing entirely. As if finally noticing you, the secondary Dalek’s stalk slowly lowered to you, the two small lights atop of its dome flashing as it spoke in a deep and gravelly voice.

“TRACES OF ARTRON ENERGY DETECTED.”

Inhaling shakily you nodded slowly in mild understanding, it was a word that you had heard the Doctor utter before, on your second trip with her back in time to meet Rosa Parks herself. Time travel- or time waves- whatever she had called it, was all linked together with the telltale trace of artron energy. And energy that seemed to embed itself into those who had been through time and space, a telltale sign almost likeable to a fingerprint for those who were able to detect it. You had never stopped to think that your body likely radiated the same energy now, the particles still detectable after months away from the TARDIS.

“Artron…” You muttered dazedly, your fingers pressing to your temple once more as you tried to focus through the blinding headache that encompassed you.

“INCOMING ALERT FROM DALEK COMMAND” The Dalek wheezed as it edged forwards, its voice echoing throughout your head as dark spots began to dance around the edges of your vision. 

“INITIATING TEMPORAL SHIFT.”

The black spots which had danced around you grew outwards, the swirling darkness capturing your soul as a flash of light exploded across your vision. Suddenly you were floating, your body twisting and turning through nothingness before breaking apart atom by atom, a low groan bubbled forth as you clenched your eyes shut, the speed of which you flew halting entirely as you snapped back together and collapsed down against a cold metal floor.

Rolling to the side, you dazedly stared upwards, your eyes trailing the faint blurred silhouettes of additional Daleks. They appeared to be huddled closely around you, their eyestalks bobbing up and down as their voices echoed endlessly throughout your head. The ceiling and walls pulsed with green shifting shapes, an endless sprawl of indistinguishable information crawling across the curves of the room. Beneath you, the floor hummed with a soft pulsing of engines, an identifier you had learned to look out for from the Doctor on Tsuranga.

You were on a ship.

You were on a _Dalek_ ship.

_Fuck._

“UNIDENTIFIED HUMAN FEMALE” A Dalek’s voice echoed, “DETECTING TRACES OF ARTON ENERGY.”

“ARTRON ENERGY LINKED TO TARDIS” A second robotic voice rang out, “POSSIBLE ALLY TO THE DOCTOR.”

_Double fuck._

Groaning you struggled to right yourself, your head still swimming with nausea as the lights pulsed around you in a sickening fashion. You had been about to give up when the sound of footsteps filled the room, a pair of leather shoes drawing closer in your vision. Glancing upwards, your eyebrows became furrowed as the hazy image of Jack Robertson stumbled before you, his hands held high as he approached the Daleks surrounding you.

“Hey.” Jack drawled, his American accent thick as he radiated an aura of pure arrogance. “I’m a bit lost.”

Opening your mouth you had been about to question his appearance when a loud alarm pierced throughout the ship, your hands clutching your ears as the wailing sound further aggravated your head.

“ALERT, ALERT!”

“Oh…” Jack muttered, his attitude still carrying the same self righteousness it held from when you had seen him last. “Doesn’t sound good. Want to get that?”

The Dalek closest to Jack rolled forwards with a soft whine, its casing barely skirting your body as it approached him menacingly. Closing your eyes, you waited for the shrill cry that would tear from his throat as he was zapped with the burning hot laser of the Dalek’s weapon. It wasn’t that you couldn’t bare to watch him die, the man had shown little care for you during your previous encounter and had demonstrated little empathy for the world around him when he had shot and killed the large spider in the hotel hall. No, instead you were scared, unwilling to watch his demise as your own metaphorical clock ticked down. Soon enough, you would meet the same end.

“REMAIN HERE WITH THE FEMALE.”

Your eyes shot open as you blearily glared upwards, Jack’s eyes meeting your own as a look of recognition flashed across his features. He obviously hadn’t taken the time to note your presence before, your life unimportant to his situation as he seemingly blundered his way through the heart of an alien ship. What he was doing here you had no idea, but a small niggle at the back of your mind told you that it was to do with the invasion of Earth. 

Perhaps your actions had placed you right where you needed to be.

If only the room would stop spinning.

“ALL DALEKS REPORT TO CENTRAL CONTROL, THE DOCTOR IS DETECTED. EXTERMINATION FORMATIONS ASSEMBLE.”

Her title caused your body to freeze in its slow manoeuvre to sit upwards, your knuckles flaring a stark white as you screwed your hands into tight fists. It had to be a trick, this world had to be a nightmare of your own creation, your soul enacting his revenge on you for even having the notion to try and move on, to try and forget about her. 

“TARDIS LOCATION IDENTIFIED.”

Shaking your head you muttered beneath your breath, your world honed in on a single point on the floor as the Dalek’s around you slowly wheeled themselves away and out of sight. A variety of emotions flooded your system as your head spun at the news, at the mere notion that was being forced towards you. The Doctor couldn’t be here, be alive. She was gone, her body rotting away on a planet far far away from Earth, her comforting presence and bubbly laugh never to be heard again. 

_She couldn’t be alive. She just couldn’t._

_You would have known by now._

“Fancy seeing you here.” Jack Robertson’s voice grated against your nerves as you shakily pulled yourself to your feet, your eyes narrowing as you eyed him closely.

“Oh” He uttered, his hands slipping into the pockets of his trousers as he puffed his chest outwards and rolled his shoulders. “You look worse for wear-”

“WHAT-” You jumped forwards, your feet tripping over themselves as you clutched at the lapels of his jacket and pulled him forwards threateningly. Riding the surge of anger that burned your skin, you gritted your teeth. “What are you doing here?”

Your questioning was cut abruptly short as the pounding of feet filled the small circular room you had been placed in, your head turning to the source of the disruption as three very recognisable figures clambered towards you. Through the haze of green lights came Graham, Ryan and Jack Harkness, their faces pulled into a similar look of shock and relief as they eyed your swaying form in the centre of the room. If you hadn’t been confused before then you certainly were now, your heartbeat thrumming in your veins as you slowly began to put the small pieces of the jigsaw puzzle together, a small voice in the back of your head warning you not to jump too far ahead in excitement.

“Y/N!” Graham and Ryan called in unison, their hands pressing against either one of your shoulders as they helped to hold you steady. 

“Graham?” You muttered, “Ryan?”

Turning you acknowledged the presence of the man who had accidentally stolen you away all those days ago.

“Jack?”

Jack saluted in greeting, his eye tugging into a wink.

“How…” You began, your eyes shifting between two invisible points; processing all the information laid at your feet. A sharp stab of disappointment shot through you as you considered the Dalek’s warnings of the Doctor, your fist uncurling from Jack Robertson’s lapels as you took a step away in defeat. 

Wincing you pressed your fingers to the back of your head once more, your nails catching on your hair that had become matted with dried blood.

“My head…”

“It’s alright cockle.” Graham hushed as he gestured for Ryan to loop your arm over his shoulders. Obeying the guidance from the men beside you, you leaned into his support as you started to limp off back the way they had come.

“Is she OK?” Graham questioned, his voice low as he cast a look across your shoulder towards Ryan. 

You felt Ryan shift beside you as he turned to look at the wound that graced the back of your head, his fingers tightening around your side as you leaned more of your weight into his stabilizing touch.

“Maybe.” Ryan answered grimly.

“We can have a look at her in the TARDIS.” Jack hummed in agreement behind you, your head limply falling forwards as your remaining energy was quickly drained from your body. 

“TARDIS?” You uttered back, your sight losing clarity as the dark spots from earlier returned with a vengeance. “But it’s gone…”

Graham's hand squeezed your shoulder lightly as he seemingly acknowledged the pain that tinged your voice, his lack of answer fuelling the conspiring thoughts that wandered your head. Were they hiding something? Had something happened in your absence? Remaining as calm as you could be, you focused instead of shuffling one foot in front of the other, distancing yourself from the brimming sense of anticipation that flooded you; desperately trying to mitigate the damage disappointment would wrought.

“I still say we should just leave him here.” Jack supplied from behind you, the conversation that mumbled around you disinteresting and lost to your ears. 

You were second from suggesting a lay down and rest bite when the cold command of a Dalek reverberated off the walls once more, the breathless gasps of those around you enough to inform you that your suggestion would be shut down. 

“EXTERMINATE!”

Easing you further into his side, Ryan started to move before Jack had even had the time to issue a command. The familiar burn and second wind of adrenalin flooded your system as you managed to pick up a pace in an attempt to flee the sights of the mass of Daleks flooding the halls towards you.

“GO!” Jack shouted, “RUN!”

Graham took the lead as he gestured towards a separate hallway, his body disappearing around the corner before quickly returning as he shook his head and gestured towards another escape route. Twisting your head, you spotted another three Dalek’s wheeling towards you from the route Graham had tried first, their guns firing into the nearby walls as you hobbled past.

“You sure this is the right way?” Ryan wheezed in a strained voice, his trainers squeaking on the metal flooring as your small rag tag group halted and switched directions once again.

“YOU ARE INTRUDERS”

“INTRUDERS LOCATED”

“THIS IS A TERRIBLE RESCUE!” Jack Robertson cried as he overtook yourself and Ryan, his hands splaying outwards as yet another squad of Dalek’s emerged from a small branching tunnel. 

“There's Daleks everywhere!” Graham cursed as he shook his head, his body quickly positioning itself between Ryan and the approaching death machines as they cornered you in. 

“LIFE FORMS IDENTIFIED”

“DO NOT MOVE!”

Jack skidded to a halt before you all as you were pressed against a wall, the three directions you had tried cut off by the cold silver guns of multiple Daleks. It was terrifying, your heart running wild in your chest as you laid your head against Ryan’s shoulder and watched helplessly as the final seconds in your timer clicked to an end.

“You've got to get us out of here!” Ryan hissed, his free hand latching onto Jack’s arm.

“DO NOT MOVE!”

“Are we ready?” Ryan questioned as he pulled you closer towards Jack, “Do I detonate?

“Almost.” Jack hushed back, his head tilting either way as he issued a final command. 

“HOLD ON!”

Graham, Jack Robertson and Ryan latched onto Jack’s coat, your brow furrowing as you slowly did the same. Curling your fingers around the thick blue wool of his coat, you silently prayed that whatever plan that had been undertaken would work without a hitch, that you would all walk away from the deadly clutches of the Dalek’s and return to the normality of life. 

_Whatever your new normal was anymore._

“INTRUDERS IDENTIFY!” A Dalek commanded as it slowly crawled to the head of its squad, his gun twisting in its casing as it aimed it towards Jack.

Standing proudly in the centre, Jack laughed as he raised his chin in defiance.

“I’m Captain Jack Harkness, and I’m Immortal.

“EXTERMINATE!”

You cried as you screwed your eyes shut and flinched into Ryan’s shoulder, the world around you spinning as the ground beneath you suddenly gave way. Opening your eyes, you gasped in wonderment, your fingers curling tighter around Jack’s now non-existent jacket. It was a strange sensation, almost as though you were floating through a searing beam of light and rainbows, the presence of those around you still there, still pressed against you and comforting while also being vacant. Twisting your head, you failed to spot Ryan, Graham or either of the Jacks, a panic surging through you as you assumed your own demise.

That was until the ground suddenly rushed up, your body twisting and stomach flipping as you fell down to Earth. Your knees almost buckled as Ryan managed to keep you standing, the bodies of those around you reappearing instantly before shattering and breaking apart. Your vision remained bright and overloaded, the bright beams of light ingrained into your vision and causing you to stumble backwards into a wall.

“OH, OH!”

“That was horrible…” Graham grumbled somewhere off to your side.

Closing your eyes, you tried to blink away the bright spots that remained burned into your irises, your hands rubbing against your eyelids in vain.

“I feel sick.” Ryan grumbled as he pulled away from you.

“What just happened to me?” Jack Robertson demanded.

The worry that had been forming from your lack of vision quickly began to subside as the spots dissolved away from your eyes, the hand that supported you brushing against cool metal ring of the TARDIS wall as you righted yourself.

_Wait… TARDIS…_

Turning slowly, you inhaled sharply. Before you was a sight you had feared you would never see again, a world that you would never touch again. You were aboard the TARDIS, not just any old TARDIS but the Doctor’s TARDIS. You watched in awe as the central crystal column began to rise and fall, the circular array mirroring its movements as the lights pulsed and flickered with activity. The honeycomb array of lights hummed with energy as the TARDIS buzzed with life. 

_God you had missed this._

As if responding to your thoughts, the TARDIS’s light flickered once again as a series of chirps and whistles sounded from around you. A cool breeze blowing down from above you and causing your hair to rustled across your features and fall out of place. For what felt like the first time in a decade, a bright smile tugged at the corners of your lips, a surge of happiness and relief flooding you as you fell back against the wall and soaked in the nostalgia and hope that the machine brought you.

“Did we do it?” Jack’s voice rang out throughout the TARDIS, his footsteps hitting the metal grating as he climbed the steps towards the central column.

Closing your eyes you wallowed in the victory they celebrated, despite having done nothing.

“WE DID IT!”

Laughing quietly to yourself, you imagined the Doctor. Imagined her huddling you all close together as you cheered and celebrated the protection of Earth and destruction of the Dalek’s.

_“Y/N?”_

Your smile fell as your eyes fluttered open, your head whipping to the side as the lights in the TARDIS flared. Time seemed to grind to a stop as a familiar blur of lilac, blue and blonde rushed towards you, coat tails flaring wide as they jumped down off the steps and rushed towards your position by the doors. The blur slowly gained clarity as she drew herself into your field of vision, her features sharpening and eyes bursting with light and love as her beaming smile shone down upon you once more.

_The Doctor._

_She was alive._

“Thought we lost you for a second there.” The Doctor drawled, as she pushed her hands into her pockets and rocked forwards on her feet.

Your voice failed you as you struggled to comprehend the sight before you, your knees shaking and fingers trembling as you didn’t trust yourself to leave the support of the TARDIS wall. 

_She was here. She was really here._

A symphony of thoughts and feelings all sounded off inside of you at once, the rush of excitement, the pang of sadness, the numb confusion and even bitterness of fear. In a way it was all too much, your inputs dialled to the max as you struggled to form a single thought past the word ‘her’. Naturally you rode the relief that smothered you, your hand instinctively rising upwards as you brushed it against the outside of her coat is disbelief; eager to not be burnt by the cruel tricks of your mind once again.

“You-” You stuttered, “You’re-”

The Doctor remained silent as she simply watched you process through the bombshell that was her existence, your eyes naturally gravitating off to search the faces of the rest of the fam as they watched your interaction with varied degrees of interest. Shaking your head, you turned back to the Doctor instantly, almost afraid that if you looked away, she would disappear in a puff of smoke and rainbows.

“Doctor?” You whispered, your eyes filling with tears as your lip trembled. Her name tasted sweet on your tongue as you repeated it again. “Doctor.”

The Doctor simply nodded as you spoke her name, her smile growing as she appeared to be unfazed by the implications of her return.

“That’s me!” She sang as she threw her arms wide and bopped up and down like an excited kid on Christmas day. 

“How have you been doing? I’ve heard it's been a few months!”

Frowning your hand dropped from its outstretched position in the space between you, the tears in your eyes dissipating as you felt your stomach twist with a stark realisation. You were the last one to be reunited with the Doctor, the last one to be informed of her return and the last one to even board the TARDIS once again. 

“Uh…” Yaz’s voice sounded from across the room, her tone low in a warning. “Doctor…” 

Huffing in confusion, the Doctor twisted back to glance across to Yaz. 

“What?”

“This can’t be happening…” You whispered as you stumbled backwards and into the wall. 

Your movement away from the Doctor spurred a flurry of activity from the remaining people in the room, Jack’s blue blur coming up beside you as he too read the implications that came from the pallor of your face.

“Doctor…” Jack warned, causing the Doctor’s face to turn back to face you.

_Was she really here?_

_What had happened?_

_Had they left you out intentionally?_

_Did the Doctor even want you anymore?_

_Why was the room spinning so much?_

Pushing away from the wall you turned for the doors, the spinning of the room increasing tenfold as your forehead pulsed in pain. Your stomach twisted as you leant forwards, hands rubbing against your stomach as the acidic burn of bile rose at the back of your throat and threatened to spill past your lips. Stumbling, you reached for the doors only to fall forwards, your body barely caught in time by Jack as he stepped into your weakening form.

“Woah! Easy tiger!” Jack uttered as he pulled you close, his body sinking down with your own as he laid you across his knees and held you in his arms.

Blearily you noted your shift in position, your movement and actions groggy as you raised your hand up to touch your wound. The Doctor was quicker than you however, her fingers encircling your own as she pulled your hand away and angled your face to the side so that she could analyse it closely. 

“Is she alright?” Yaz’s voice echoed around you, the dark spots from before returning again to claim your consciousness. 

“Not sure.” The Doctor’s voice hummed, her light and airy tone accompanied by the whirring of her sonic screwdriver. “Oh… That’s not good.”

You groaned as the tears that had brimmed in your eyes spilt across your cheeks, your eyes fluttering to stay open as you fought back against the cold pull of nothingness. You didn’t want to fade away, didn’t want to go to sleep when there was so much that had been left unsaid. Your first time reunited with the Doctor, and you weren’t strong enough to stay with her. The emotions that had overwhelmed you before melted away, your chest rising and falling quickly as your breaths began to quicken.

“What is it, doc?” 

The Doctor’s head rose from its tilted position over you, her eyes breaking free from the mass of blonde hair that shielded her face. Reaching for you, your eyes fluttered closed as the sensation of her cold fingers brushing against your skin, her fingertips encircling your temples as her mind pushed into your own.

_“You’re going to be fine. You’re safe now.”_

“DOCTOR!”

With a gasp your eyes flew open, your elbows pushing their way beneath your chest as you quickly propped yourself upwards in your bed. 

In your bed.

You looked around the room slowly in a daze, your eyes trailing the worn wallpaper of your walls to the familiar thick duvet covers. Your fingers wrapped their way around the sheets as you tethered yourself to the present, your head swimming as you slowly processed all of the events you had been through, or rather all of the dreams.

_Dreams. Because that's all they could be, all they could ever be._

Pulling the covers away from your legs, you sighed deeply, your eyes trailing down over your form as you realised you were wearing the same pjs from the night before. Disappointment wormed its way into your heart as you fought the urge to throw yourself back down against the pillows, to pull the blinds tightly shut and to wallow in the suffocating darkness that rarely left the hallways and rooms of your small Sheffield flat. 

It had felt so real, been so real. The fear, the anxiety, the joy and the burning hate. Even her, the Doctor. It had been so tangible, you could smell her, feel her warmth and hear her hearts as they rumbled away in her chest. The pain you had pushed back against for months returned as you felt the burning hot sting of tears filled your eyes, a small muffled sob tearing its way free from your throat as you pushed a clenched fist up against your lips.

You had been so close to letting go, so close to moving forwards.

_Fucking dreams._

Slipping your legs out from beneath the covers you winced as your muscles ached from the strain of movement, your hand blindly patting around your bed and side table as you searched for your phone. Your head remained a jumble as your head and neck seemed to ache with a passion, the bones in your neck clicking from the seemingly awkward sleeping position you had taken up during the night. The pain and aches were easily disregarded as you mind remained abuzz with the sharp images from the dream, your heart drowning in the bitter waves of sadness which crashed into you. 

Pressing the palms of your hands to your eyes, you wondered how much you had drunk the night before, your vision hazy and cloudy as you slowly came to.

A low groan filled the house as your walls shuddered, the lights above you flickering on as you experienced another power surge. Frowning, you watched in silence as the light pulsed consistently before dying back down, your heart picking up in your chest as you realised its implications. Had you left the echo box running the entire night? Had you had a little too much to drink and turned to it for the small sliver of comfort you always sought?

Shaking your head, you went to stand, your eyes instinctively searching your bedside table for the time. Only instead of spotting the familiar red glow of your side clock, you froze in shock. You hadn’t noticed it before, the tall glass of water and small plate that sat beside it. Hadn’t clocked that in place of your phone something new had been put beside you, a small towering pile of custard cream biscuits and a scrawled hand written note that instructed you to take two of the small purple tablets beside it.

Suddenly you couldn't think, couldn't breathe through the sharp excitement that pulsed through you. The earth shattering moment that had frozen you in time broken by the low whine of a sonic screwdriver originating from your kitchen, followed by the familiar Yorkshire lilt of the Doctor as the Hologram began to run through its loop.

_It couldn’t be..._

Forgetting the glass of water and instructions, you turned on your heel and rushed to your door, your hand pressed against the cold handle as you wrestled with the emotions that pummelled into your walls. The excitement had set your skin alight, an endless tirade of thoughts filling your head as a thousand questions begged for answers.

_Had it been a dream after all? Was this real? Was she really here?_

Your fingers shook as you slowly took hold of the door, pulling it open with a gradual ease as you felt a dark bite of fear in your stomach.

_What if this wasn’t real? What if she wasn’t really there?_

Shaking away the doubt, you slowly made your way down the hallway and towards the bright light of your kitchen, a single familiar silhouette sprawled across the far wall as the light beamed through from the archway and spilled across the white walls of your flat. The dark figure appeared to be hunched over, a small square contraption clasped tightly within their hands as a soft whirring filled the air. The silhouette was unmistakably her, the short crop of her bob hanging forwards as her coat flared outwards to the sides, her trousers short and exposing the thick brown boots she often wore.

_The hologram never usually casted shadows, whatever was there had to be physically real._

_Someone was there. Tangibly there._

_It had to be her._

Padding forwards, you took deep and calming breaths as you listened out for any further sound from the room. Your heart hammering in your chest at the fear of breaking the illusion, a part of you screaming for a need to just stand and watch the shadowy silhouette until it disappeared, a desire to ride the surge of hope and happiness until it expired.

“Echo playback number two hundred and forty six” A robotic voice chimed, its tone unfamiliar to you.

A loud crackling filled the air as you halted in place, your eyes widening as you heard the familiar sound of your voice echo from your kitchen. Holding your confusion at bay, you pressed your hand against the wall of your corridor, your eyes staring lifelessly ahead as you recalled the conversation being recited.

_“Everything will be fine in the end.”_

_“You always say that.” You muttered as your throat began to close, your body barely holding back the choked sob of grief you had been repressing for so long._

_“Where are you, Doctor?” You questioned, your face crumpling in on itself as you felt the bitter pang of sadness return, your heart clenching tightly in your chest. “Where are you really because…”_

_“I need you.” You whispered as you pressed your hand further down against the cool wooden table, “I need you more than I ever thought I could. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, I should never have let you leave the TARDIS.”_

Stumbling forwards, you tilted your head to the side as you slowly poked it around the corner of your archway. Your world halted as time seemed to crawl to a stop, the breath in your lungs freezing as you felt the ground beneath your feet spin. 

Standing across from you was the Doctor herself, the spitting image of her hologram sat down in the chair you always left ajar, your own image flickering across from it as you broke down. Swallowing away the lump in your throat you struggled to focus on the scene before you, your eyes flickering from the devastating look that remained sprawled across your holograms features, the hand you had extended outwards across the table, to the Doctor’s very real hand reaching back in a action similar to your own, her head tilted to the side as her eyes watered in the bright light of the room.

_“Doctor, please.” Your echo pleaded, “There’s something I’ve been meaning to tell-”_

“Doctor?” Your question left you before you had even fully rounded the corner.

The Doctor’s eyes widened as she slowly placed the small echo cube down, the fluttery image of yourself disappearing as she spun on her feet and flashed you a small yet sad smile. Your chest exploded with pain and happiness all at once, your eyes watering as you dragged your gaze up and down her body slowly. With careful movements you moved towards her with caution, almost afraid that any sudden jolts might break the carefully crafted dream that you were experiencing.

“Are you really here?”

“I’m here.” The Doctor cemented, her own eyes glimmering as her hands wound themselves together even tighter. “ _Really_.”

“Really?” You repeated quietly, your gaze scanning her features for any sign of a trick.

“Really, _really_.” The Doctor smiled, her eyes bright as her teeth flashed and her hands sprawled outwards in a flamboyant gesture. 

Surging forwards you quickly threw your arms around her form, your head burrowing its way down into the crook of her neck as you breathed in deeply. The sweet smell of vanilla and custard filled your senses, the light brush of her soft blonde hair tickling the side of your cheek as you felt her warm arms wrap around you in reciprocation. Your chest shook as you released a soft sob, the tears you had been holding back pouring free and melting into her coat as your walls finally broke after months of reinforcements. 

Pulling your head back briefly, you regarded the Doctor once more before a breathless laugh escaped you, your hands tightening around her shoulders as you pulled her ever closer for a second hug. If the Doctor had wanted to escape, she made no noise of dissatisfaction, instead submitting herself further into your touch as you felt her body collapse into your own, her own face pushed against your neck as she exhaled deeply. 

Head spinning, you tilted your head so that your lips brushed against the bottom of her ear, your eyes closed tightly shut as a smile filled your features.

“I thought I _lost_ you.” You whispered quietly, your heart racing as you finally felt complete again. After months of searching, months of mourning and fighting back against those who would tell you otherwise, you had finally found the piece of yourself you had been missing.

The Doctor sighed as she squeezed you tighter, the warmth of her body embracing you entirely as the long flaps of her coat fell around you. You couldn’t recall the last time you had seen her hug one of the team, her touches always restrained and held back from the rest of you. Something had changed in the Doctor, you could feel it in the way that her nose inhaled deeply against your shoulder, the slight bite of her nails as she clutched at your shirt and held you close. Whatever happened on Gallifrey had been more earth shattering than you could have expected, and maybe the Doctor hadn’t escaped as scot-free as you had first considered.

Before you could question it further, you felt the hairs on the back of your neck rise as the Doctor’s lips pressed down against your temple with a soft kiss. 

“Me?” She attempted to sound offended, her tone light as you could hear the smile in her words. “ _Never_.”

The Doctor paused, her mouth clicking as she swallowed audibly. 

“You however…” The Doctor trailed off, her own voice trembling with emotion. “That's another story.”

You frowned as you reluctantly pulled yourself away from the Doctor’s embrace, your eyes wide and prying as you rose a single eyebrow in her direction. The Doctor seemed shifty as she slowly and awkwardly dropped her arms from your arms, her feet shuffling against the ground as she moved from foot to foot.

“What?”

In an instance you had captured her attention once again, her wide eyes staring into your own and sending you tumbling through an expanse of space, your soul quickly becoming lost in her bright hazel eyes. 

“I thought I had lost you-” She paused, biting down on her lip as she reconsidered her words. “We all did when we heard the message you left Yaz.”

“Oh” You mumbled, your eyes falling to the ground as a wave of guilt washed over you. It had never been your intention to cause you friends any unfounded worry, your seemingly well thought out sacrifice instead turning into a heart-breaking distraction. 

As though she was reading your mind, the Doctor’s fingers reached up and brushed against your cheek, removing the hair from your face while wiping away the remnants of tears that stained your cheeks. Tilting her head, she offered you a small smile.

“There’s nothing to apologise for.” The Doctor admonished as though she could hear your every thought. “If anything…”

The Doctor’s hands slowly dropped to your shoulders as she gave them a delicate squeeze. 

“I’m the one that should be apologising.”

“You have nothing to-”

“I’ve heard it's been ten months…” The Doctor trailed off, her exhale washing across your features as you felt your cheeks burn with embarrassment and acknowledgement of the direction your conversation was destined to take. 

“Yeah.” You huffed, your eyes snapping away from the Doctor and drifting to the small wooden cube you had clutched to over the months. “Yeah it’s been a while.”

Clearing your throat, you forced a grin as you turned back to the timelord, your shoulders pushed back as you radiated an air of confidence and glee. 

“But you’re here now so that's all that matters.”

“No….” The Doctor countered, “No it's not.” 

Silence washed over you both again as you pulled yourself away from her grip. The Doctor sighed as she glanced from you to the small echo cube once again, her eyes indicating and prompting you without ever needing to say the words. Deep down you acknowledged that she was trying to help, trying to work you through the grief you had felt for her over the past few months. But honestly? It was the last thing you wanted to discuss in the moment, the thousands of questions perched on your lips disregarded with a stern glare as she once again put her needs aside and addressed your own. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” The Doctor finally questioned her, her falling forwards across her face as she tilted her chin inquisitively.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” You briskly cut her off, your arms wrapping around your chest as you blissfully ignored the burning weight that pressed down against you. 

Not letting anything get past her, the Doctor frowned, a deep line cutting through her features as she stood straighter once again. You knew you couldn't run away from the questions she wanted answered forever, after all she had somehow replayed one of your reruns through the same black box. The Doctor had all the evidence she needed to argue against your claims, but that wouldn’t stop you.

“Y/N.”

“Doctor, I’m fine.” You pleaded, your voice cracking as you reached for her arms and squeezed them tightly. Blinking away the tears, you forced a watery smile. “Honestly, I’m okay.”

Discontent with your answer, the Doctor leaned to the side, her hands scooping up the small black box and turning it around in her hands. With a soft huff, she reached back into her pocket for her sonic, the small tool glowing a deep gold as it whizzed away. Tilting it towards the block, you watched as the small screen suddenly flickered, its glow shifting to a similar gold.

“Echo technology, 71st century.” The Doctor rambled as she worked, her eyes constantly glancing upwards to yourself. “Brilliant for pranks, leaving messages for friends….”

She paused, her lips drawn into a tight line as the humming of her sonic drew to an end. Pushing the device back into her pocket, the Doctor held the cube up slowly, her eyes ionising in the warm yellow light it emitted.

“Gathering responses.” She finished, her free hand pressing down against the now pulsing gold interface.

With a flicker, the room around you started to shift, countless grainy images of yourself appearing and disappearing throughout the room in varied states and stages of grief. Your mouth fell ajar as you slowly turned away, your eyes trailing the mass of mirror images as they went about their day, talking aloud to the always consistent hologram of the Doctor.

“Three hundred and two entries…” The Doctor announced as she tapped the screen again, the mass of images disappearing in an instance with a soft chirp. 

Spinning back to face her, you felt a lone tear slip down your cheek.

“Just short of ten months.” She declared, a small sad smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

“You…” You drawled, your hand rising to brush away at your cheek as you tried to mask the pain that twisted inside of you at the memory of longing for her. 

“How long have I been out?” You tried to change the topic, your hand pressing against your head as you feigned confusion.

“Long enough.” The Doctor answered a little more sternly than you had expected. “And don’t try to change the subject, I’m _very_ good at noticing it now.”

Huffing your shoulders fell inwards, your back arching as you avoided her gaze entirely. Although you were infinitely happy that the Doctor was back and okay, you couldn't help but feel a twinge of frustration at the incessant need she suddenly developed to know the ins and outs of your journey these past ten months. It was embarrassing, and still too raw for you to fully dive into with her. The waves of relief still settling against your soul, still washing away the charred remains of your heart from where you had thought you had finally come to terms with her disappearance from your life. 

Reluctantly, your eyes wandered back to her own.

“You just-” You stopped yourself, your heart clenching in your chest as you struggled to verbalise the depths of which your love for the Doctor had stretched. The definition of your relationship blurring in your own eyes as you desired more, yearned for more than what she would likely ever give you. 

“You mean the _world_ to me.” You admitted, “Losing you was hard, harder than I thought I- I mean just ask Yaz.”

The Doctor hummed in acknowledgement, her feet edging closer as she closed down the negative space between you. 

“I didn’t want to let go. I don’t want to let go, not now…” Your tongue swept across your lips as you swallowed away the lump in your throat, your eyes holding her deep stare as you silently challenged her to look away. Deep down you prayed that the true implications of your words were ringing out for her, that she could understand the indescribable feelings that curled their way around your heart whenever your eyes befell her. 

“Not _ever_.” You whispered, another tear strolling down your cheek.

Inhaling sharply, the Doctor seemed to wordlessly understand the message you had silently conveyed, her eyes gleaming with a promise to return to the conversation at a later date, at a time when you had both settled and healed from the events you had experienced. Reaching for your hand, you relished in the warmth that filled you as her fingers slipped between your own, her fingers curling down tightly as she gave you a reassuring and comforting squeeze.

Then just as quickly as her soul had risen to the surface, the Doctor’s hand slipped away, her body retreating as she hit reset. Appreciating the moment of calm, you tilted your head and appraised the Doctor closely, an idea forming as your stomach rumbled loudly.

“Are you hungry?” You asked casually, your feet already moving as you wandered across to a nearby cupboard.

“Me?” The Doctor sang, the small wooden cube tossed to the side and onto the table as she placed her hands on her hips. “Starving! Haven’t had a proper meal in a couple of decades.”

“Wait- what?” You stuttered, your head whipping round as you caught the awkward smile she gave as a response. 

The Doctor shrugged, her doors quickly closing down again as she seemingly regretted the comment all together. Nodding to yourself, you made a mental note to prod her about the comment later when you resumed your conversation from before. 

“Ok- We’ll talk about that in a second.” You excused, verbalizing your intent so that she had ample warning for your future interrogation. 

Turning back to the cupboard you threw open the doors, your body rocking forwards on to your toes as you peered into the dusty mess of cans and noodles. At the back stood a single can of tomato soup, its label bright and colourful with a slight tear in its side from where you had only purchased it the other week. With a smile, you reached forwards, your fingers curling around the cool metal of the tin as you pulled it free.

“I haven’t got much but…” You muttered as you turned back to face the Doctor. Raising the small can you waved it around in your hand enticingly. 

“Soup?”

“Sounds great!” The Doctor grinned as she pulled the chair closest to her further ajar and tucked herself in, the wood of its legs scraping loudly against the floor for the first time in ten months.


End file.
